The Truth As I See It

The bloke has fallen asleep and I'm waiting for him to start talking. He doesn't believe he chats in his sleep, but he didn't believe he snored either until I presented him with evidence.

I would love to know what things he dreams about as some of the things he comes out with are hilarious. My favourites to date are

1. What am I, some sort of cheese garment? (beyond me as well, but got me giggling)

2. Alone in the woods with a cardboard box (when I asked why he had a cardboard box, he replied) Because I don't have a spear.

3. Fanny by gaslight, can we have some electric on? Wandering around with candles and torches. Not a light on in the fucking house, we living in the Victorian age or something? (said last night and is his longest conversation to date)

He has said other things but it's pretty much unintelligible except for the odd word. So I'm waiting with pen and paper at the ready just in case.

The other half is sulking like a little girl right now.

The stuff we had on ebay didn't sell as it didn't quite reach the reserve. Sorry but I'm not letting 3 top XBox360 games that cost me over £120 go for less than £50, simple as.

So now he can't get Splinter Cell which we were going to get out of the money we made selling the other games. And now the big buffoon is stamping around like a five year old that's been told he can't have sweeties today and all because he can't shoot or throttle his mates online.

I told him I'll relist the games later as maybe they didn't sell because they ended too early in the morning and no-one was around to bid.

But is that good enough? Nooooo. He. Wants. It. Now! *raises voice stamps foot and cries* I was half expecting him to hold his breath until he turned blue or maybe throw himself on the floor and pound the carpet.

I had to put him in time out as he was doing my head in.

Finally, I have bids on the stuff I'm selling on eBay.

3! 3 bids on my items! Ah-hahahahahaaaaaa!

Ummm....sorry...got a bit carried away.

Out of sheer boredom (and a little spite ) I've decided to compile a list of things that are 100% guaranteed to really get my bloke's back up.

So if any of you are on ekofox's friends list please feel free to give him a bit grief (he doesn't mind really) You can do this by

1. Implying that all the Star Wars characters are raging homosexuals (C3PO is a classic example) and that the greatest force of evil in the galaxy was thwarted by a bunch of teddy bears with sticks. Oh yes, mispronounce Anakin...call him Anadin, he realllly hates that

2. Telling him that LOTR trilogy was the most boring bunch of films ever produced and that they could have cut hours off them if they just reduced the walking a bit. Give the fuckers horses I say.

3. Tell him Clerks 2 sucks major ass, but don't tell him why

4. Call George Lucas a lumberjack-shirt wearing, untalented charlatan with a dodgy beard and a bad rug

5. Call 24 Twenty-bore and state that any normal, sane person having days like that would have quit after the first one.

6. Tell him that every zombie in all horror films remind you of his mother

and finally

7. State that Batman Begins was without a doubt a complete shambles of a film, with poor casting and wooden acting.

Right, I'm off to hide.

In my previous blog I accused my son of thieving one of his Xmas pressies.

It turns out that my bloke, for reasons best known to himself, moved the fricking thing and couldn't be bothered to tell me.

There I was planning all sorts of punishments ranging from grounding all the way up to flogging (bit harsh I suppose but I was annoyed at the thought of him ransacking my room), just to find out that he was innocent of the crime.

I'm so glad he walked in ten minutes before my son did.

At least I don't have to apologise to my son as I would never hear the end of it.

I jumped to conclusions about the spotty oik and now I feel bad.

That thieving, spotty, little scrote is in for it big time.

I've been gradually buying Christmas presents for the last couple of weeks as I hate the last minute rush and now I discover my son has been at them.

Not the sly "had a nosey but put every thing back where it was", no, he's gone and done the "went through my mum's room found one of the presents and fucked off with it"

WHAT. THE. FUCK? I know that it was there yesterday as I checked and he was in my room alone last night messing on the computer while we were watching telly downstairs. Did he honestly think I wouldn't notice that it had gone? What kind of muppet does he take me for? Don't answer that.

I can't believe he is so devious, under-handed and sneaky.

I can only hope that his present was the only thing he found.

Well, I made myself a meez but I'm still annoyed about the whole Houdini blog thing (see previous blog)

The dog isn't quite like mine, but he is small, white, bad tempered and annoying so it's as near as damnit.

Oh bloody hell, I've just realised that the lip ring on the meez looks like some sort of giant coldsore.

I hate this machine. No, correction, I loathe and despise every circuit, wire and all the other gubbins that go into a computer.

I thought I was being clever by typing my blog on Word ready to copy and paste it here. Things were going great, I had a bit of a morning rant about alarm clocks that had it in for me, kids that look like they've slept in their clothes and waking up with my dog's paw in my face because he's decided he needs more of the bed and has stretched out.

It was a good blog, witty, caustic and sarcastic. A great blog in fact, even if I do say so myself. I read it through, corrected mistakes and then went to press save....

...The fucker VANISHED. In a blink of an eye the whole damn lot disappeared off my screen (something I wish Ant and Dec were capable of doing...annoying little bastards). I know damn well I didn't erase it, so where the fricking buggery did the thing go.

What makes it worse is you can't ever remember exactly what you've typed and when you try to recreate it, it's just a pile of shite.

Excuse the profanity, but I'm really jarred off with the whole incident. I'm off to make a meez to cheer myself up. Everyone else has one so I want one too *stamps foot*

I've been sat here thinking that something is different about tonight, but I couldn't put my finger on it until just now.

It's quiet.

What's so unusual about that? Well, usually the silence round here is shattered every night by the Hound of the Baskervilles next door. They have a dog, a big dog...make that a massive dog and ordinarily the damn thing is outside barking it's heart out.

It barks morning, noon and night. It has been known to bark at two in the morning before now, usually when it's owner is pissed and has slung it out and in those cases the barking is accompanied by loud music, shouting and banging of doors.

But I haven't heard it since about eight tonight so obviously the poor animal is where it wants to be. Inside and warm.

My bloke has some serious paranoia issues.

We were watching a programme and the main character said she thought one girl may have strangled or choked another. All I said to that was
"Women don't have the upper body strength to strangle someone"

It was a throw-away comment on my part and I thought no more about it until I realised he had gone very quiet. He looked at me strangely and said
"You've really thought about that haven't you? No, you have, haven't you? Done some serious thinking about it?"

To which I replied (please bear in mind that I wasn't really paying attention to the effect said comments were having on him)
"Well, they could but they'd need something like a rope or washing line...a pair of tights even".

Again, stunned silence. Then he muttered something about sleeping with one eye open from now on.

I decided today to give the sculpting a rest and tackle the daunting task of cleaning my hormonal, angst-ridden teenage son's room. I'm beginning to wish I hadn't stepped through the door to what I now believe to be another dimension, or possibly Hell.

Squalid, is one word that springs to mind. A large pile of fetid, unwashed clothes sat on the floor staring accusingly at me and I swear I saw it move. How he can sleep in that pit is beyond me. Think of the worst stereotypical student accomodation you can, add a hint of boarded up squat to the mix and then times it by 100 and you're probably close to the sight and smell of it.

Kim and Aggie would have a field day in there! I on the other hand wimped out. I picked up the clothes, plates, cups and everything else I could bear to touch and closed the door behind me.

I left him a note on the door telling him to sort it out pretty sharpish or else. I expect it will be ignored in favour of far more important things like sulking, shouting , listening to music at eardrum shattering levels and playing his PSP.

But then again he'll have to find the PSP first, won't he? He'll have to go through all his stuff to look for it and maybe he'll tidy up as he goes along.

After all, there's no telling where he left it...it certainly isn't hidden in my airing cupboard under the towels.

I got a leaflet from the BNP today bitching about immigration. I quickly read it and I opened my door to give the hate monger a piece of my mind, unfortunately he was nowhere to be seen. Typical really, spout off racist filth and then slink back under the rock they crawled out of.

For those who didn't get one this is the last couple of paragraphs...

WE SAY NO! The British National Party will STOP all further immigration and "asylum seeking".
A future BNP government will give immigrants here who want to go back the opportunity of volutary resettlement with cash incentives whereby immigrants will be encouraged, but not forced, to return to their lands of native origin.
Those who want to stay are welcome to do so, provided they obey our laws and accept that Britain must stay British.

Fucking charming people. How nice of them to give their permission to people to stay in the country as long as they abandon their culture and beliefs.

What I want to know is what immigrants do they mean? Just the recent ones or are they including the ones that came here 50 years ago, the families of those that came here 100 years ago or are they talking about all descendants of the children born following the Roman invasion and the Vikings pillages. After all, there must be a few of them knocking about Britain. What about India? Wasn't that a part of the British Empire at one stage? So technically wouldn't they be British citizens?

What they seem to have forgotten is that people have been coming to this country since they learnt to build boats and cross oceans. Maybe the Britsh Nazi...sorry... National Party should really check the history books.

I'm not naive, I know there are some who come here just to ride the benefit train, but there are many others that just want a chance at a normal life without persecution because of colour, religion and the many other reasons people are losing their lives for on a daily basis.

But then again, maybe I should just phone all the black members of my extended family and tell them they have to "go home" to their native lands because the BNP don't want their type here.

Why can't they say what they mean? They don't want Britain to stay "British" they want it to stay white. It's not a noble cause,it's racism...simple as that.

That is exactly what I hear when the other half is giving me grief. I switch off and all that registers is a kind of droning, nasal sound reminiscent of white noise.

What makes him think for one second that I'm interested in listening to some sort of bitch-fest about things that I have no control over? So I nod my head and agree, when all the time I'm wishing that he came with a mute button so I can hear the telly and not him.